"Sundial a Wife: A Short Short Story" (based on real events)
January 18, 2009
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I used to
work at one of those big banks in downtown Chicago when I was in
college. It was Continental Bank. I was a janitor. My boss was Willy
Thomas. Willy was a tall, skinny black man, well into his sixties. He
slurred, lisped, slanged and spoke with no punctuation marks, teeth
always clenched. He swore more than anybody I'd ever met. I worked
there for a couple of years and I never understood what he was talking
about. You could only make out every fifth word. We could be talking
about sports, politics, whatever. His responses had nothing to do with
the subject.
Me: "How d'you think the Cubs'll do this year?"
Willy: "Fuck'n over huh for dust on tits-a-glass."
See what I mean.
I
got tired of constantly asking, "What? What, I didn't understand."
The more he'd repeat what he said the less it made sense. Soon, I
became the master of the meaningless, non-response. For example:
Willy: "Poop shoot in a jizz blanket oh for a suck mah-tha-fuckah"
Me: "Eh, what'ya going to do?"
Willy: "Y'gotah ease d'cock nah pink onah isside."
Me: "Yeah, what's up with that, Willy?"
Willy
was my boss but he was cool. He didn't ask too much of me. We
janitors had our duties so Willy pretty much became part of the
background.
Willy was unemotional and distant. He never went
out with us after work. He took lunch at his desk, which faced a wall
in the break room. We could only guess that Willy unclenched his teeth
to eat. I didn't tease him like the other guys; it's 'cause of this
that I sensed he sort of liked me.
It was time for me to move
on. I put in my two weeks notice 'cause I was going try my luck at
stand-up comedy. On my last day, Willy called me into his office. He
put his hand on my shoulder. He seemed sad to see me go. There was
even a little quiver in his voice.
In a whisper he said,
"Sundial a wife cunt smacksya eel boner dove hacksya bleed'n whore'ess
moist." and that was the last thing Willy ever said to me.
Well,
months had passed and I was hard at work on my stand-up routine. At
one of my exceptionally bad shows, my jokes and routines being boo'd,
hissed, heckled, stared at... everything but laughed at. I was feeling
pretty low after my set. Alone backstage I sat and looked out at the
air in front of my face and seriously contemplated giving up on this
stand-up. Willy's final words popped into my head. He was right and he
couldn't have said it any clearer.
"Sundial a wife (Sometimes
life) cunt smacksya eel (can make you feel) boner dove (alone and
unloved) hacksya bleed'n whore'ess moist." (that's when you have to
believe in yourself the most).
I guess, in looking back, my only regret with Willy was that I didn't listen better. I wonder what else he had to say?
Leo Benvenuti
1/18/09
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"Studio Notes"
January 12, 2009
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It's been a hobby
of mine to collect studio notes from executives and/or their reading
services. These are an inspired amalgam pulled from the 20 or so
scripts Steve Rudnick and I have sold.
P.33 Needs
more of a punch in the opening dream sequence. Give us something never
before seen; maybe pull something out of the opening of "Indiana Jones."
P.8 Character of Maxine is too stereotypical. Make her more of an Anna Nicole Smith type.
P.22 We love
the scene where Dave finds out about his father's past affairs? One of
the funniest scenes in the script. It's still too long though.
Explore the possibility of shortening it or cutting it all together.
P. 50 Tom's
wedding. Tom's anxiety and fear alone isn't big enough for the comedy
to play out. Needs more urgency. Perhaps a giant meteor is about to
hit the earth or we're on the brink of nuclear war. Whatever you
decide, it should be background stuff; it shouldn't overwhelm the scene.
P. 55 Can we
get more comedy mileage in changing it from a Catholic service to a
Jewish one? Maybe it's a New Age ceremony where we can pull the funny
out of all religions, still keeping it respectful.
P. 80 Jack's
speech should be funnier but keep it real. This is his opportunity to
expose his father for the fake that he is. This should be an honest
moment. Perhaps he does it in a PowerPoint demonstration, a video
journal, perhaps he hires actors to play out his father's past.
P. 22 The confrontation between the characters seems uninspired. Watch "Four Weddings and a Funeral" for new ideas.
P. 101 This is
still our favorite scene and the bread and butter of our movie.
Everything has been leading up to this moment and it still doesn't
disappoint. Once you incorporate the new First Act and new plot points
and new characters, we're sure it will make this scene stronger.
Leo Benvenuti
1/12/09
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